A Guide to Writing Your Own Wedding Vows
Words by Natalie Raybould (she/her)
Photography by Esme Whiteside Photography & Elena Popa Photography
Esme Whiteside Photography
Are you thinking of writing your own wedding vows but don’t know where to start? Humanist wedding celebrant Nat Raybould shares her top tips to help you get started!
I’m always delighted when couples tell me they want to write their own wedding vows: it’s such a great decision! Personal wedding vows are the best way to make sure your unique relationship is the centrepiece of your wedding ceremony. This is probably the only time you will publicly declare exactly how much you love your partner, what you treasure most about them, and which promises you choose to make to them. Let’s seize that opportunity with gusto…!
My Six Top Tips for Writing Personal Wedding Vows
The WHY
Before you begin, take a moment to think about why you both decided to write personal vows, and why it’s right for you both. And you know this answer, before you can even articulate it, so you can’t get it wrong! Trust in your own feelings, and know that everyone listening will hear everything you say with the same intention as you say it. Yes, this is unashamedly soppy, but this will be your wedding day: you have to lean into romance on your wedding day, people!
The Writing
Allow yourself a distinct chunk of time away from day-to-day life to think and write: give it space in your diary and stick to it as if it’s a meeting. I usually recommend doing this around one month before your wedding day – close enough to feel the excitement in the crescendo towards the big day (it’ll inform your writing and help you imagine it), but not leaving it so late that you feel rushed. Make preparatory notes, if that bolsters you, or just go for it straight from the heart: everyone will feel differently. Once you’ve written down all the main things you want to include, you’ll have the meat of your vows, and the way forward will be clear.
Get your free wedding planning to do list here!
–
Get your free wedding planning to do list here! –
The Symmetry
I have a thing about symmetry in my ceremonies. There are two people, two families coming together, pretty much two of everything. So when you’re considering your vows, a quick chat to determine tone is a good first plan, especially if they’re going to be a surprise! Imagine if one of you decides to bare their heart with profuse compliments, and the other has written 80% banter and self-deprecation. DEFINITELY to be avoided! Both are great options IF you both match your tones. Similarly, the length should be a rough match, too: I always advise counting the sentences to give a rough similarity without being too strict. If you’ve chosen a celebrant-led ceremony and want to keep your vows a surprise for the day, send them both to your celebrant to check they have a matching tone and quality.
The Length
Some speech writers advise concision in vows, almost making them a poem rather than prose, and I understand why. Sometimes a simple point simply made says it all. But, I dunno about that being a hard and fast rule: it’s your wedding day and your unique feelings! If the muse takes you, write a longer vow. Just take care to structure that length so that you can take your guests with you with every word (and check that your partner hasn’t written a haiku in balance…!).
The Structure
This is The Big One! But, actually, it’s not hard at all to structure personal vows, especially when you’ve already nailed the truth of what you want to say.
Again, I would advise making use of symmetry to keep your vows clear and elegant. An example of that is that you could both share the same final line, which wraps your vows up like a ribbon bow, and also shows that you’re both on the same page.
Repetition isn’t a common thing in pretty much all art forms by accident! It’s a useful tool and can be the ‘clothes hanger’ on which you hang your feelings – “I choose you today because you are the most thoughtful person; I choose you today because you make me laugh each and every day; I choose you because your cups of tea are always just how I like them.”.
And thirdly, The Rule of Three is a great choice, too (see what I did there?!). Rhetoric involving grouping thoughts in threes has been around since Roman times, and has remained popular because it just works…! Having a list of three things, whether they’re descriptors, promises, or jokes, will mean that your lines develop a natural flow and structure.
Once you have a first draft that you like, it’s time to try it on for size!
The Trial Runs
Read your vows out loud. How does it sound? Does it mean what you want it to mean? Practise on a close friend (or if you’ve chosen a celebrant-led ceremony, we’ll always be happy to check it out!), and listen to their suggestions to help you out.
You can practise to yourself just before the ceremony so that you feel comfortable and can enjoy the experience more easily. But I will tell you now that it doesn’t matter one fig if you stumble over a word, or laugh or cry in the middle, or a dog comes up and licks you. Whatever happens in the moment of your wedding vows is perfectly beautiful, because you will be declaring your love and commitment, in public, to the one you love. And that’s why you chose to do it in the first place. Enjoy! – you’ve got this!
ABOUT THE WRITER
Elena Popa Photography
Nat Raybould is a Humanist wedding celebrant who is currently very into mismatched patterns and the resurgence of the much-maligned carnation. Nat can be found at her website and you can follow her on her Instagram.
This article first appeared in issue one of Way Out Wedding magazine (the old name for Dream Lovers Weddings!)
